Back from a three-day weekend, which wasn't as restful as I thought it'd be, but still fun.  Cat and I got together on Saturday and went to see Van Hellsing, a beautifully kickass movie, except the ending was a gay and blatant Lion King ripoff.  At least Anna died, I wanted to beat that bitch down with a brick.  Who the fuck else would wear a whorishly cut blouse while fighting the forces of satanic evil? Anyone else would have gotten ripped apart right in the beginning.  Besides another Mary Sue.  But off of my rant. 

Woosh, can't believe it's already June, but I'm thanking every God I know.  There's only six days before finals, and then our last day is the fifteenth, and I'll be out of this cesspool of shallowness and teenage hormones.  Not like I'm any higher than anyone else, don't want to adopt haughtiness, but I've been very good about not talking to anyone unless spoken to or forced to, doing everyone an apparent favor.  Of course because of my eternal reputation of Hardcore Mike's girlfriend, even though we broke up.  It's not me who hasn't gotten over it, it's a bunch of fucking jocks who have nothing better to do than harass me about something that got old in April when we broke up.  I'm afraid the next time someone calls me Hardcore, I'll kick their manhood into their throats; like I need the deans on my ass again- no wait, next time it was supposed to be the police because I'm such a fucking menace to society.  Yeah, sure.  This whole damn school is run by northern Bush clones.

Just irritated I guess.  It's so pathetic how people treat each other, and then when someone does something about it, like kill themselves or shoot up their school, everybody wonders what the fuck was wrong with them.  Joss Whedon was right, high school is Hell, and this isn't the kind that you can defeat with a pointy stick.  I don't think anything in life is supposed to be that simple besides like, breathing or something; then there's people with respiratory issues, yeah.  The reason we're not all dead now is because we hold onto something.  There always has to be some light to counteract the darkness, vice versa for something good.  If only the bitch in my history class would realize this >< She kept griping to Sweden about how her boyfriend broke up with her and then went into a rant about how marriage was disgusting that got so depressing I wanted to strangle her.

Who would want to wake up to the same face every morning? And then how like, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.  My parents are practically divorced except my mom doesn't want to do it- maybe she's just as afraid of how my dad would handle it as I am.  He just lives away.  I'm like my father so much when I'm angry that it scares me; I scream, I throw up my arms, I make irrational statements and decisions.  I made my mother cry.  So even if I find the right person, I'll probably ruin them, and it will be Peter and Victoria part II- that and my mental disorders are hereditary.  Everything's so complicated, but no time like the present to think.  Three years until college, and who knows what'll happen then.  Who knows if I'll even be alive.  I might die tomorrow even, it's all in the Gods' hands.  I don't expect them to make things perfect, but I just hope something turns out good, there's enough minds I've made miserable as it is.

Time for history class, got to go, will post later

Where to go from here

I know well that I am not the only one who's depressed, I'm sure everyone who is does.  This whole world is a bunch of suffering primates, miserable, clawing their way through another damn day.  How they get by, it all depends.  Some have their religion, convince themselves that there's a better tomorrow, some have friends; loved ones.  Or false reality that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.  Would that be considered lying to yourself? To believe that there's always hope, I was never sure, but lying was better than going insane with the lonliness.  There's something wrong, I shouldn't feel this alone, I shouldn't see someone going through hard times and wonder why they haven't killed themselves yet.  Then everyone I meet seems to be depressed and has thought of and/or tried suicide at least once.  I'm so paranoid to get attached to anybody anymore because of this; that and being abandoned for being the hateful demonic bitch I am.  Lady was and still is my rolemodel; one day in March she ended up in the hospital for overdosing.  I remember it almost exactly, like it was my fault for not saying something.  Now...Is now.  It's as if the only purpose of life is death, and I'm disgusted with myself, more than before at least.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind, and there's no one here to stop me; the adults in my life, my high school, what can they do? My parents don't want to believe that there's anything more wrong even if I tell it to them straight-out, and there's enough drama at the school without me sharing the intimacy of my inner mind.  Maybe I will tell them, there's nothing they can do to me that will hurt me or shame me anymore than now.  It's not everyone else that got me to where I am, it has to be me.  Ironic; it's never anybody else, I only hurt myself, and I can't break up with myself.  I went to the lake today and stood there for a long time just staring into the water, then turned around and walked back home.  Where to go from there; damn if anybody's going to help me now, and I've been handling myself quite fine anyway.  Plus I don't think I'm allowed to die yet.  Eventually I will have to stand back up, brush myself off and go on, a shadow through the hallways, cutting through so many people so full of life.  They say there's always hope, and maybe they're right, I'm not about to give a fuck right now.  There's nothing here to fall on, except the false reality I've created.  If Lady doesn't hate me now for fighting with her, and my hikari, who may be a mistake to love, but oh well, one more's not going to kill me.

I'm done writing in here, everything that was needed to be said, was said. 

one. stop being black. black people aren't cool. and as erica said, 'i'm sure when the white people came up with the word 'nigger', they did not intend it to have a GOOD meaning. and the niggers must like it enough to still use it. so shut the fuck up, twatface. you're the nigger. the nigger = MY slave.

Randi, can I ask you a question? When the fucking Hell did we turn our asses around and enter the 1800's? Because I might have to warn everybody that the Civil War is coming.

I have put up with the shallowness of teenagehood, with the people who've called me a satan-worshipping whore, but the jewelry is off.  How dare you take your revenge on Lady by blasting all African Americans.  And your ex girlfriend is going into the army to defend this country, the "free for all races" nation. Our nation was built from white settlers, people who have been giving Hell to other ethnics and races since they understood the concept of travel, and you are a prime example of which.  m since the moment we set our asses on this continent, and I respect her for that, at least somebody has hope for this godforsaken country.  But I respect her that she has a different idea; my fight's not with her, I promise everyone who reads this.  You know who you are if you can remember what you type.  I hope you know you're just another brick in the wall.  But when you go and screw with my friends, you're in my face. 

To Erica, right on the fucking button.  Nigger was a word made by the white people, a cruel and disgusting term they used to degrade African Americans into the subhuman dirt they believed them to be.  I don't know why black people call each other nigga, I hate that white people do it for the sake of pretending they're cool, but I promise you, if you went to Bridgeport and preached the same thing at the top of my post out for everyone to hear, that's it.  Done.  They won't even let you explain your reasons.  If you call them reasons.

I do not agree with Lady about homosexuality, we're all just a suffering lot of species called humanity; plus they haven't done anything to me.  I'm hurt because someone dared to blast an entire race on one person's actions.  That is possibly the most ignorant thing anybody could do.  Would you kill a Middle Eastern because of what the terrorists did? If you answered yes, I'm not bothering with you anymore.  That's closed-minded with no return. 

One person makes the difference within an entire race, if so, I could put a gun to my head and declare all the sins us crackers have committed justified.  Death is the only justification of life, but there are other justifications, that's how I get over things.

Or so you think.

 it's over, she's moving on, I'm moving on alright? In all truth, you don't truly know either of us so shut it

Hm, Lady doesn't truly know me.  That's about as true as everything else you've said about me...No actually most of the shit you've said about me is true.  Charlotte, if you honestly think that I'm not hearing the shit you've been saying about me- even after apologizing and declaring you regretted it what? Three times now?- Then you really haven't been giving me credit at all.  But I'm the last person to get credit on your list.  So I'm an immature bitch who can't handle herself.  You think you can do a better job being me? And no, you haven't moved on.  Obviously or else you wouldn't still be talking about me to Cat- actually I believe that's to try and take her away from me.

I agree with you, I am an immature bitch who can't handle herself.  I'm worthless, I'm stupid; God breathed life into me and will regret it until I die.  But that's all you'll ever conclude of the Natalie you knew for six months.  Dan knew me for four weeks and knows me better than you.  Because he doesn't re-run my faults, he saw apart of me you never bothered to see- good.  Can you believe it? Can you also believe he and Lady even know my temper just as much as you do? Creepy, unbelievable, but true.  There's enough anger in my body for two identities, and guess what? They're not worming around when my face is turned the other way.

I am over it, because once you lose your mask, what are you going to hide behind? Your lies? Half-truths? Everything you know will explode in your face, and it won't be because of me.  It will be because you can't survive in the world hiding behind your excuses.  Eventually you'll have to face yourself, just like I did.  I know what I am, and I know the people who will love me for it.

No hard feelings, hun, I'm actually grateful.  You and everyone else are what keeps my rage alive and kicking.  You'll get a proper thank you when Keoto comes to school with me when she gets home.  You'll be thanking God I only see her on holidays. 

No sleep
No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find the cure for this cancer

Was going to post earlier in school, but I was too dead.  X.X Capture the flag is the fucking devil! >< I mean...Sure, it was fun when I was like, six, but now, I kinda just stood there unless needed.  That's actually quite productive, especially since you aren't too tired to laugh when somebody's pants are ripped off, which happens a lot.  Only to the girls of course, no boys, God does not love teh Juni  But right...Moving off this topic.

...The day was not that eventful, but I like Tuesdays- no Spanish and no Science, plus a nice free- which is wasted talking to social workers  but at least I'm not being graded or anything for that.  I just sit there and blab about nothing and hope not to blurt out anything that would require a heart to heart  But she did ask me why I didn't want to be a psychologist.  Hmm, I guess it could work, but I'd rather not join the darkside - - Hahah right.  My hopes are set, all that depends is if Bush and his goddamn "let's destroy a third-world country! WHEEEE hurr hurr" campaign ruins my chances of becoming a successful manga-ka or not.  I really don't think so though.  No matter how much everyone else hates us, money always comes first.  The Middle East is still selling us oil for that reason, of course the price probably sky-rocketed.

Well after school, I had a dental appointment, while mom went to the grocery store.  I come out, wait five minutes, she's still not here, so I get kind of pissed off, and decided to walk to the store to save some time.  Of course I forgot which way it was, and just went off in a random direction, where random drivers honked at me.  I got a look at a couple of them, and as if! >< I may date high, but not so high that it's middle-aged crisis.  Fuck no.  This got annoying, plus it was a million degrees out, so I just went back and waited.  Mom finally came, we went home, took a shower, and here I am. 

The Buffy episodes today were so depressing ;___; Glory got mad at Tara because she wouldn't tell her where the key was, and stuck her fingers in her brain, so now Tara's really out of it o__O: I started crying and shit, it was horrible.  Like...That's even worse than having your loved one die, to have them go insane, where you have to strap them down, do everything for them, listen to them talk as if they're not even there anymore, because they're honestly not.  And you also wonder if they're suffering at all wherever they are.  Okay, running off a bit, but I've been obsessed with mental disorders ever since touching base with my own; then again it's our human nature to ask why, and I'm asking why is it always ourselves that are our true enemy.  Probably because everything else can be destroyed easy.  Scratch that.  You can kill yourself with paper goddamnit, there's so many ways to end it all that it's disturbing.  o.O The world's a complicated place, and I'm just trying to get through the rest of Freshman year without having another breakdown.  Where's a calm blue ocean when you need it?  Forget this, I'm feeling sad again, I need more pie >< I need meh samurai ;-; GODDAMNIT THIS SONG'S SO FUCKING ADDICTIVE!!! : ances::

Smile.dk's music is like nicotine.  Even when it gets annoying, you just can't stop.  x__X There must be some like, subliminal message beneath the happy beat that like says, "SURRENDER TO THE WILL OF THE ALMIGHTY LUCIFER! WE WILL YOU TO SPREAD THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT VIRGINS AND COWER IN THE FEAR OF JAPANESE TECHNO!" Or the sugar has rotted what's left of my sanity.

Need pie.

Will post later

Omg, this song is so addictive, I listen to it repeatedly everytime I get on my laptop, and normally I hate techno.  Actually Japanese techno is one of my favorite genres of music o.O it's much more bouncy and fun, hence Dance Dance Revolution. OMG Hana is a fucking master of that game o___O I'm serious, you haven't seen her, but like...It's disturbing when you trip on it XDDDD

Obviously I've been feeling better since my last post, much like I said I would.  Like the special person I am, I showed Dan what I wrote, and affirmed it was him that I was talking about -.- I don't know anyone else named Dan, at our school most every guy I know is named like...Mike or Josh.  But anyway.  He gave like inspirational paragraphs about how life doesn't suck, and did a good job actually O.O I told him he should go to correctional facilities and give speeches or something, lol.  Right

Yesterday went downtown with Cat to shop, and be the subject of much staring o.O Especially the guys >< Well actually it must have been weird on the casual eye.  I mean...She was dressed all normal with this pink top and jeans, and I was dressed...Like a Gothic schoolgirl thing XD yesh.  Fun though, windy and cold, but fun.

Yesh, today, is Mother's day, and I'm currently in a chat with another chick who thinks she can say whatever the hell she wants to me and get away with it _ _ Where are these people coming from? Because the last I checked, I'm not Jesus. Obviously.  LOL, speaking about chats, XDDD there was a funny ass one we did where Dan possesses a hamster.  I have to make that one into a manga, lmao

We're going out to eat soon I think, so I probably should stop, nothing else really to say anyway.  Can't wait for school to end, can't wait to see meh cousins, yesh

Will post later